A few weeks ago Jimmy's parents came in town to visit. During their trip the four of us went out for dinner. During the meal we started discussing my blog - recent posts and the future direction. My father-in-law made the astute observation that I never say anything negative on the blog.
It was so interesting to me that he picked up on that because it's something I do subconsciously. I know people do not want to hear me bitch and moan, so I subscribe to the philosophy of, if you do not have something nice to say, don't say anything. The irony in that is it's fairly different from who I am. I'm not really a "look on the bright side" type person, although I did marry one. Given the opportunity to worry and freak out over the worst scenario, I jump at the chance.
The last four months have been the most worry-filled of my life. I've tried not to discuss it at all on here in an effort to keep some of my life private and because I've been clinging to the hope that the issue will resolve itself. The day I found out I was pregnant I also found out I had large cysts on each ovary. Although the one on my right ovary went away, the one on my left continued to grow and grow and is now 13 cm long (much bigger than the baby). I've lived under a cloud of fear that the cyst will either burst or my ovary will twist, causing unimaginable pain and possible emergency surgery. I have not been able to pick up Oliver since discovering the cyst, and I have been on some form of "rest" for four months. Not being able to care for Oliver by myself or pick him up is by far the hardest part.
Two weeks ago I ended up in the emergency room complaining about pain. There it was decided I needed to have surgery as soon as possible to remove the cyst. Since then I have been back and forth to the doctor almost daily, and I have surgery set for New Years Eve (tomorrow). Part of the worry over the unknown is alleviated by having a solution, but surgery while pregnant comes with its own set of worries and fears.
Although everyone in the medical community has assured me the surgery will no big deal, I'm still so scared. I'd say my biggest fear is not waking up from the surgery even though it's so unlikely. Leaving Oliver without a mom and Jimmy without a wife terrifies me. Even though I know it's not going to happen, it's a constant fear in my mind. I'm also so afraid of losing the baby - the girl I've always wanted. I was very fearful of losing an ovary as well, but after meeting with the doctor I know that's a very real possibility. My final fear is that the cyst is cancer. Two different doctors have assured me that it's not, but the word has been mentioned so many times in conversations that I can't help but have that fear in the back of my mind. I don't want to put anyone I love through that.
During the last four months the outpouring of love and support has been unbelievable. My family and friends have rearranged their lives and schedules to help with Oliver, come to my appointments with me, set up my entire Christmas party, or send food so we don't have to worry about dinner. Everyone has made me feel like they are happy to help and love me, which has been the most amazing part of all of this. It's so nice to be reminded that people care for and support you when you really need it, and I appreciate it so much.
I cannot wait until this surgery is over so that I can get back to being the wife, daughter, friend and mother that I know I can be. I've been so focused on my health and consumed with worry that I have not been my best self.
You are obviously not obligated, but any prayers or good thoughts you could send my way this week would be very appreciated. I will give you guys an update after the surgery. Until then, thank you for your love and support and everything you've all done to help me. I appreciate it so much. Thank you.